I was listening to the Mormon Channel at work the other day and heard a talk by Elder Bednar. He mentioned that our faith is worth whatever we have to pay for it. That got me thinking about what price I have and would pay for my faith in Jesus Christ to increase. Several months ago, I heard the great blogger, Stephanie Nielsen speak about whether, if given the chance, she would return to her former, unburned self. Well, of course, her answer was no. She said she is finally the mother she has always wanted to be. It made me ponder whether I would ever return to the days when my skin was so much prettier, my cheeks were rosey and the hope of having children was still in my mind. Believe it or not, I have decided I wouldn't return to those days. There is nothing I would trade for the relationship I have gained with Father in Heaven and with my older brother Jesus Christ in these last four or five years. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had been one of those fortunate ones to have married young....and then I just dismiss the thought. I know for certain that I would not have been the type of daughter and mother that my Father, or I, would have been proud of. I wasn't ready to be a wife when I was in my twenties, thirties or forties. I am still working on my physical self, which does have a lot to do with my spiritual self I have come to realize. Once I can conquer all those physical demons that seem to haunt my life, I will be ready for marriage. But what about him? Where is he and will he be ready for me???

"Let us cheerfully do all things in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

 D&C 123:17

I am trying to do just this ... not always successfully, but, nevertheless, earnestly. For example, this whole marriage thing, or rather, lack of it, has been really in the forefront of both my waking and sleeping thoughts lately. Sometimes I am full of faith in the promises I have been given through my Patriarchal Blessing and my prayers. But, many times, I feel so overwhelmed and scared by the whole prospect of living alone for the rest of my probably long life.

  "...Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief..." (Mark 9:24)

A couple of weeks ago, my home teacher advised me, in a round about way, to move on and accept the fact that I'm not going to be married during this earthly life. Sorry, but I don't think so. What is life without hope?  I jokingly told the gal who sits next to me at work that I was just waiting for my future husband's current wife to pass away so I could get married. She asked me if I already had someone in mind. I emphatically advised her that I certainly did NOT and hoped with all my heart that I did NOT know the poor woman! She then asked me how I thought I would meet my intended. My answer was this: "The Lord brought together the earth and the seas when he created the world, don't you think that He could bring two people together?" I know it would certainly be a miracle if I were ever to find any man who thinks he could put up with me more than a couple of hours ... let alone eternity. But I have already seen so many miracles in my life. Couldn't it happen through some strange twist of fate? I've told friends my husband may need to be both blind and deaf ... and possibly in a coma... but he MIGHT just be out there somewhere.

 

I've been thinking about the blessings of receiving service. Yes, receiving--and not just the temporal blessings, which are fairly obvious, but the spiritual and emotional blessings. I am a witness to the fact that I have been changed in a real way by the love of people I know and people I don't know. The love I have received has not been because I somehow deserved it, but, rather, because my Heavenly Father knew I needed it. For it is only natural to receive love from those whom you have spent time loving. But what about the love that comes from people you hardly know or don't even know? It changes you in a real, substantive way. That kind of love I've received has brought me a feeling of being rescued by the grace of God. I feel it has made me wonder at the blessing of the Atonement of the Savior, for He has come to my rescue through the angels He has put in my pathway in this life, those on this side of the veil and on the other side. Speaking of those angels on the other side, I used to want to hang my head in shame to know they are watching me and felt as if they were probably somehow scolding me and disappointed in the stupid things I do in my life. But I have been wrong. Those unearthly angels are, instead, cheering me on with hope that I will succeed, all the while whispering in my ear their sweet loving words of encouragement. I know this is true when I remember the special examples they were with me on this side of heaven. I have become a different person with the help of these seen and unseen friends in in my life. I have become convinced that I can find my footing, even when I cannot see my next step through the mists of darkness that pervade this life. I have always loved the words to the great hymn "Lead Kindly Light." The words were written in 1833 as a poem by John Henry Newman, titled "The Pillar of Cloud." A fourth verse was added by John Bacchus Dykes in 1865 and appears in some hymnbooks: 

"Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom, Lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home, Lead Thou me on! Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene; one step enough for me. I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on; I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on! I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears, Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years! So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on. O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone, And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I Have loved long since, and lost awhile! Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod, Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God. To rest forever after earthly strife In the calm light of everlasting life." (Greg Olsen)